I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
