im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
