Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
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