I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Randomize
