I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
My vagina is very pro this idea
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
