We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
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