we're chasing vodka with high fives
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize