tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
