i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Randomize
