you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
