the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
