I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
honey bunches of taint.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
