Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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