i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
