we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
