I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Randomize
