The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
