I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Randomize
