I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I'm like, not good at living.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
