what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Randomize
