we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
