At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
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