you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
