one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
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