I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
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