someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Randomize