i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
the new term for farting is butt boxing.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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