I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Ambien. No doubt about it.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
