Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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