Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
