You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
