I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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