standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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