first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
