You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
