He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
