He uses pillows to masturbate.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
