Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
