I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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