How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
