I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
