just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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