She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
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