just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Randomize
