Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
