She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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