Too much gin, very little bucket
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
