I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
