My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Randomize