Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Randomize