last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
