yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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