Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
My ass is underappreciated
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
